


The Punchy Chef's Food Blog

by Roshwen



Category: Leverage
Genre: Author does not guarantee all recipes are going to taste good, Cereal pie might be an actual thing that is going to happen, Fluff, Fluff and happy endings prevail though don't worry, Food, Humor, Minor angst at some point, Multi, We are dealing with Eliot but also Parker after all, lots and lots of food
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-07-27 14:42:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16221218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roshwen/pseuds/Roshwen
Summary: After one too many of Eliot's outrageous stories about his food, Hardison has had enough and decides to get some sweet revenge. After all, a food blog is the perfect place to surround your food with bullshit, right? And no one will notice, right? Especially not Eliot,right?





	1. Galumpki

**Author's Note:**

> So Discord started talking about Eliot and cooking and lying about his cooking and then this happened. Like Eliot, I'm gonna pull most recipes from the internet. Unlike Eliot, I'm gonna properly source them in the notes as much as I can. Also, like I said in the tags, I am not going to guarantee any of this is going to taste good. Most of it is probably gonna be fine, but cook at your own risk, I guess?
> 
> Alos also: [You can send me prompts for this](http://hedgehog-o-brien.tumblr.com/post/178705525816/prompts-please) (Please send me prompts I don't want this fic to die in two chapters).

Hi, my name is Chef Lies-a-Lot and welcome to my blog!

As you all know, great food is one thing. But what is great food without an interesting story behind it? That is why I make _sure_ every single one of my recipes has a story to go with it, even if that story is completely bullshit and I made some shit up to impress my partners. Which I should not have done because one of my partners is the smartest man I know and he can see straight through any story I feed him (hah!) within five minutes of Googling. Seriously.  

Okay, maybe not Googling. The things I’ve done in my deep dark tragic secret past you won’t find on Google. And maybe it took ~~me~~ my partner a little longer than five minutes, but the point is: don’t lie to your partners, man. And don’t claim that that generic-ass internet recipe is _traditional_ o _r_ else you might end up with Parker making a pouty face at you for the rest of the day, and no one wants that.

You also might end up with a food blog. Because if you’re so dedicated to spinning tales around your food, then a food blog is definitely he way to go, right? Go on, tell me I’m wrong.

So. Again, welcome to my blog and here is the story about how I was _not_ on the run from the Russians in 2009. Remember, everything I am going to tell you next is total bullshit, so here we go:

It was the winter of 2007 and I had just completed some business in Moscow when I heard that some of my associates needed an urgent word with me to follow up on our appointment. Unfortunately for them, I had already left the country and made my way to Cracow. Lovely city, Cracow. Very old, very medieval-looking, exquisite architecture all around. And the food, man, the food. Let me tell you: Polish grandmothers know how to keep a man alive.

So, anyway. I knew my friends-of-friends were looking for me, and I wanted to prepare a little surprise for them for when they found me. Luckily, there was a very nice elderly lady living in the apartment under my AirBnB and she showed me how to make real traditional galumpki. The perfect thing! I can honestly say my friends did not know what hit them when they finally caught up with me and I don’t think their lives have been the same ever since. And neither has mine, because a brutally cold Polish winter night is not complete without some stuffed cabbage, no matter how much your partners say it tastes of, well, cabbage.

(OK, I know. Cabbage isn’t exactly a sexy vegetable. But you gotta give this thing a shot, I promise. Tell me if I’m wrong in the comments).

~~~

**What you’ll need:**

1 large head of cabbage

1-1/2 lbs. ground beef

1 lb. ground pork

1 cup rice

1 large onion, chopped

4 tbsp. unsalted butter

1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

2 large eggs, beaten

Salt and pepper to taste

1 tsp. paprika (or to taste)

1 - 28 oz. can whole tomatoes with juice

2 cans condensed tomato soup

 

**What you’re gonna do first:**

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Bring large pot to boil, then down to simmer.

 

**What you’re gonna do to the cabbage:**

Parboil cabbage in a large pot of simmering water, cutting leaves against the core and pull them off into the water and cook until pliable; about 5 minutes.

Let leaves cool slightly.

With a sharp knife, cut the thick membrane or stem off the back of each leaf, being careful not to cut through the leaf.  Lay the leaf down flat and keep your knife horizontal to slice off the thick part of the leaf.

Continue simmering the cabbage and removing leaves.

Any leaves that cannot be used at the end, reserve for later.

Reserve cooking water.

 

**What you’re gonna do to the filling:**

Saute onions in 4 Tbsp. butter until golden.

Cook 1 cup of rice in 1 cup of water with 1 tsp. salt for about 7-8 minutes.  Just parboil the rice.

Mix ground meats with sauteed onions and add rice.

Add Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper and paprika.

Beat eggs with a fork.

Add cooled rice and beaten eggs and mix well.

 

**Introduce filling to cabbage:**

Depending how big the leaves are, place about 1/2 cup of filling towards the end of the cabbage leaf.

Roll leaf up and over meat, fold in both sides and continue to roll into a bundle. Put the bundle in an oven pan.

If there is any meat leftover, just form them into meatballs and add to the pan.

Add any leftover cabbage leaves to the bottom of the pan.

Blend whole tomatoes with 2 cups reserved cooking liquid from the cabbage.

Add the tomato sauce.

Pour the tomato sauce over the cabbage.

 

**Bake at 325 degrees F. covered, for 2 – 2.5 hours.**

 

~~~

And that's it! You can expect more recipes whenever I feel like it or whenever I have accidentally on purpose lied to my partners again. Now go out, cook some food and punch whoever gets in your way. That's the way I do it!

~~~

 _UPDATE: OK so the actual Chef Lies-A-Lot found out about this blog because_ some people  _naming no Parkers can't keep their mouth shut. He has agreed not to rip both my arms off if I promise to continue this blog in an, and I quote 'serious fucking manner because you gotta take food seriously have I taught you nothing dammit Hardison'. So I will because I like having both my arms and all my fingers still attached to me. Also because this might actually be fun and if I'm honest, Chef Lies-A-Lot's (OK, let's call him something else. Chef Punchy? Chef Punchy.) food deserves a lot more attention because damn the man can cook._

_So, stay tuned! Don't forget to leave a comment or a like and if you click that little Subscribe button, you'll even get the next update delivered to you right in your inbox! (No delivery of actual food, however. For that, you can call the BridgePort BrewPub: 555-657098)._

_Have a great weekend!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Galumpki recipe: [Here](https://fredaskitchen.com/blogs/news/fredas-authentic-golumpki-recipepronounced-gowumpkey)


	2. Chocolate Cake of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Brew Pub celebrates its two-year anniversary, which means CAKE! Lots and lots of cake, although one particular cake is conspicuously absent. And with good reason...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for BenjaminRussell who asked for 'chocolate cake + OT3 brewpub party'. Here you go darling, hope you like it!

‘This. Is the dumbest idea you’ve ever come up with.’

I can still hear Chef Punchy saying it, as it must have gone down in history as one of the  _dumbest things that have ever come out of_ _his_ _mouth._ Because here we are, one year after the opening of our very own Brew Pub, which has  _not_ crashed and burned like  _some_  people thought it would but instead has become one of the staples in the Portland Food Scene. As it should be because let me tell you: Chef Punchy’s chicken parm is to  _die_ for. As is his gumbo, and his goat cheese and spinach lasagna and his  _pizza,_ dear god, his pizza alone can bring a grown man to tears.

But this story is not about the chicken parm or pizza. This is the story of the Brew Pub’s two-year anniversary, against all odds and against all grumpy chefs’ expectations.

True, we had some interesting adventures and we lost two of our companions along the way. Last I heard, they were on a cruise in the Mediterranean. Coincidentally, a friend of ours, let’s call him James, is  _also_ on holiday and I believe he is in Italy. Wouldn’t it be fun if they ran into each other at some point? It’s always amazing to see a familiar face if you’re that far from home, isn’t it?

Anyway. Back to the Brew Pub.

As you may have noticed, we recently had our two-year anniversary. And you can say whatever you like about Chef Punchy (if you’re out of his reach, anyway), but the man has a soft spot as big as the Grand Canyon. Especially if you’re called Parker and you have been hollering about birthday parties and cake and confetti all week. There’s no way Chef Punchy isn’t gonna listen to that eventually, no matter how much he might grumble.

So we had a birthday party for the Brew Pub. You may have been there and if you were there, you are probably still nauseous from the  _insane_ amount of cake that Chef Punchy and the kitchen crew whipped up. You might also find some confetti in strange places and once again, I do apologize for not telling Parker that no, you cannot fire three confetti canons at once into an indoor crowd. I am sure everybody’s hearing has returned to normal by now, but if not, you can always reach out to me through the comments.

And about the pies: I have another apology to make. Because you might have enjoyed the red velvet cake, the pumpkin spice carrot cake, the lemon raspberry cheesecake and that bright blue birthday cake that said ‘Happy B-day B-Pub’ in neon pink letters (all of which, except the last one, are available on our daily menu as well if you want to treat yourself wink wink nudge nudge), but there is one cake you unfortunately missed out on. Because when the party was over, all the cake and confetti had been cleaned up and Chef Punchy and I returned to our humble lodgings, we found...

Parker. Sitting at the kitchen table waiting with Chef Punchy’s very special ultimate three-layered Chocolate Cake of Doom.

I will not repeat the first words that came out of Chef Punchy’s mouth here, as it is a family-friendly blog after all. Let’s just say that he initially was less than happy that Parker kept the best cake for herself, but then she explained.

It was a bit of a lengthy, rambling explanation and it took us a while to get the gist of it. But it boiled down to the fact that we, me, Chef Punchy and Parker, were family.  _Real_ family and it took her a while to realize that since she hasn’t had one in… well, I don’t think she’s ever had one. So she doesn’t know what it was supposed to be like and now she kind of does? Which is already great, but it is  _nothing_  compared to the fact that this new family of the three of us, we’re here to stay. We’ve said so. One year ago to the day.

Chef Punchy got very quiet when Parker said that. Also there may or may not have been some confetti in his eye. (Also in mine. Not gonna lie).

So, you know. After we’d both hugged Parker for an hour, we sat down and had our own private anniversary party. And let me tell you: you haven’t lived until you have gorged yourself on Chef Punch’'s chocolate cake and since he has very graciously permitted me to share his recipe, now you can die happy as well. Happy and full and maybe a little bit covered in chocolate. 

(Also, my apologies for the metric measurements. According to Chef Punchy, this is a recipe he found when he was in Paris for... business. He didn’t say what kind of business.)

 ~~~~

**What you’ll need**

For the chocolate cake:

200g dark chocolate (about 60% cocoa solids), chopped

200g butter, cubed

1 tbsp instant coffee granules

85g self-raising flour

85g plain flour

¼ tsp baking soda

200g light muscovado sugar

200g golden caster sugar

25g cocoa powder

3 medium eggs

75ml buttermilk

50g grated chocolate or 100g curls, to decorate

For the ganache

200g dark chocolate (about 60% cocoa solids), chopped

300ml double cream

2 tbsp golden caster sugar

**What you’re** **gonna** **do:**

Heat the oven to 160C/ fan140C/ gas 3. Butter and line a 20cm round cake tin (7.5cm deep).

Put 200g chopped dark chocolate in a medium pan with 200g butter.

Mix 1 tbsp instant coffee granules into 125ml cold water and pour into the pan.

Warm through over a low heat just until everything is melted – don’t overheat. Or melt in the microwave for about 5 minutes, stirring halfway through.

Mix 85g self-raising flour, 85g plain flour, ¼ tsp baking soda, 200g light muscovado sugar, 200g golden caster sugar and 25g cocoa powder, and squash out any lumps.

Beat 3 medium eggs with 75ml buttermilk.

Pour the melted chocolate mixture and the egg mixture into the flour mixture and stir everything to a smooth, quite runny consistency.

Pour this into the tin and bake for 1hr 25 – 1hr 30 mins. If you push a skewer into the centre it should come out clean and the top should feel firm (don’t worry if it cracks a bit).

Leave to cool in the tin (don’t worry if it dips slightly), then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely. Cut the cold cake horizontally into three. Or more, if you’re handy with a knife. (Alternatively, you can pour the batter into three or more pans to begin with and adjust the baking time accordingly).

To make the ganache, put 200g chopped dark chocolate in a bowl.  Pour 300ml double cream into a pan, add 2 tbsp golden caster sugar and heat until it is about to boil.

Take off the heat and pour it over the chocolate. Stir until the chocolate has melted and the mixture is smooth. Cool until it is a little thicker but still pourable.

Sandwich the layers together with just a little of the ganache. Pour the rest over the cake letting it fall down the sides and smooth over any gaps with a palette knife.

Decorate with 50g grated chocolate or 100g chocolate curls. The cake keeps moist and gooey for 3-4 days.

 

~~~~

 

As always, hope you liked this one and I'll see you next week!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chocolate cake recipe can be found [here](https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3092/ultimate-chocolate-cake)!


	3. Black Pepper Brown Sugar Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today, the anonymous totally-not-Hardison blogger would like to talk a little about Parker and Parker cookies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for Istezada who asked: _Black pepper brown sugar cookies (actually a thing, actually delicious, actually going to be made in my kitchen tomorrow) + what happens when one of the ot3 have a depressive episode._
> 
> Hope you like it and thank you because these cookies ARE amazing and I now have a new favorite cookie recipe!

Today, I want to talk to you a little about Parker.

Don’t worry; I asked first if I could and she said it was fine. I wouldn’t go blabbing about Parker’s personal life to strangers on the internet without permission. You know, I like my stuff where it is right now and I do not want to see my very extensive and very _expensive_ collection of vintage comic books fall into the wrong hands. They’re cute hands, very small and very nimble but they’re also usually covered in cornflake dust and can you imagine the smudges? I did not think so.

Also, Chef Punchy would murder me. And I don’t want that to happen either, at least not before Jodie Foster has had her full run as the Doctor. After that, I can probably die happily.

Right, were was I? Parker.

Parker has had… a rough life. To say the least and although things have now gotten infinitely better, both for her and for all of us, the bitch of starting out rough is that it leaves its marks.

Look, I’m not going to go into things too deeply here. First, it’s none of y’alls business what Parker’s marks look like and second, I’m not the person to go oversharing on her behalf. Let’s just say that after everything Parker’s been through, it makes sense that things like feelings and emotions become a little tricky.

And sometimes, when things get even harder, it would make sense that you would chose to lock everything away in a nice little safe, where you wouldn’t have to look at it. So you could just go through the motions instead and not worry about _dealing_ with anything because A) you have no idea where to start and B) once you’ve started, you’re pretty sure you won’t be able to stop.

(I apologize. I should have mentioned this would get a little heavy.)

Over the years, Parker has gotten a lot better at the dealing with emotions thing. It hasn’t been easy and there’s still some rough patches here and there, but you know. Work in progress. The team has been a huge help for her, just like the… pretzels we shared and of course, Chef Punchy and his food. I don’t really know what the deal is there and I’m kind of afraid to ask because asking Chef Punchy about feelings is even more of a minefield than Parker is, but whatever it is they’re doing, it works. It definitely works.

Because sometimes Parker gets in a little too deep, locks a little too much of herself away. And it scares the crap out of me because, well, if you see your overactive, bouncy, I-jump-off-buildings-because-it’s-fun, quicksilver girlfriend suddenly sitting curled in on herself on the couch, staring into nothing and not even noticing you’re there, you’d be worried too.

But Chef Punchy and I, we’ve learned to deal with it. We all have our shit, none of us got here by holding hands and frolicking through the meadows with our bestest friends and so we let each other be and help each other in any which way we can.

And for Chef Punchy, his food definitely helps Parker in coming back from shadow land.

It isn’t even the fancy foods. It’s just as much the homemade granola with pieces of fruit loops instead of dried fruit. Or chocolate cupcakes. Or pizza (I would honestly commit murder for one slice of Chef Punchy’s pizza. Don’t tell our buddy James).

Or these cookies.

Chef Punchy doesn’t know I know he has named them ‘Parker cookies’ in the super-secret recipe folder on his _very poorly secured_ laptop. But he’s right: these cookies are exactly Parker. They are warm and spicy and just when you think you have figured out all the flavors, there is a little extra kick to them that takes you by surprise.

These cookies, much like Parker, are nothing short of amazing. And kudos to Chef Punchy for including the orange juice, but _negative kudos_ for refusing to try and making them with orange soda because he’s a coward.

(Yes, I know anything carbonated would fuck with the dough. But you’re a chef and this is the 21st century, you should be able to work around that by now. Come on, man).

~~~

**What you’ll need**

  * 4 cups flour
  * 1 teaspoon baking soda
  * 1 teaspoon salt
  * 1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper, plus more to top the cookies
  * 1 teaspoon ginger
  * 1 teaspoon coriander
  * 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
  * 2 cups packed light brown sugar
  * Zest of one orange
  * Juice of half an orange (about 1/4 cup)
  * 2 large eggs



**What you’re gonna do**

In a large bowl, whisk together dry ingredients and spices. In the bowl of an electric mixer, place butter, sugar, and orange zest. Using the paddle attachment, beat on medium-high until light in color. Add the orange juice, and then add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. With mixer on low, add the dry ingredients slowly. Stop and scrape the bowl, then continue mixing until combined. Divide dough in half, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill at least 1 hour and as long as overnight.

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. On a generously floured work surface and with a floured rolling pin, roll dough 1/8 inch thick. Using a pepper grinder, crack fresh pepper over the surface of the dough and then gently press the pepper in with the rolling pin. Cut into desired shapes using a cookie cutter or knife.

Bake the cookies on a cookie sheet 10-12 minutes, rotating the cookie sheet halfway through, until the cookies are browned around the edges. Allow to cool completely on wire racks.

~~~

Note: you’ll get about three to four dozen cookies. Which should last you about an afternoon, because _damn_ these things are tasty.

See you next week!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find the cookie recipe [here](https://www.psquaredbooks.com/week-32-black-pepper-brown-sugar-cookies/)!


	4. Tomato Basil Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chef Punchy gets hurt a lot, and generally walks it off like it's nothing. But when he gets the _flu_ , however... That's another story entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is for carrie--fishers who asked for ' tomato basil soup + sick!fic'! Which is perfect because it's one of my favorite soups and I'm not much one for chicken noodle either, even before I (confession time!) was a vegetarian. Thank you for the prompt and I hope you like this one!
> 
> (Also, Leverage Big Bang Discord people might, ah, recognize some of the dialogue here. Hope you don't mind XD)

There are a couple of things you need to know about Chef Punchy.

First, the man makes the meanest home-made pizza on the _planet._ And I _will_ put the recipe on here, I’m just saving it for a special occasion. But it’s coming, I promise. Man, the things Chef Punchy can do with a flat circle of dough and some tomato sauce, it’s enough to make a grown man weep.

Second, Chef Punchy might look like a mean-ass motherfucker (and I’m sworn to tell you that _he is_ and he can kill you with his little pinky if he wants to), but he’s got a soft spot a mile wide as well. Especially for kids and small animals. Remind me to one day tell you the story about how Parker found a nest of kittens on a job and we all agreed, as the reasonable human beings with busy jobs that we are, to take them to a shelter… only to find all five kittens back later in a suspiciously sturdy shelter of cardboard boxes behind the brew pub. And Chef Punchy knew nothing about it, of course. Nothing. Nuh-uh, cross his heart and hope to die but he most certainly did not take those kittens with him in a box on the passenger seat of his Challenger to make sure they weren’t going to starve out there.

Right. If any of you have ever seen a more magnificent piece of Oklahoma bullshit, I would love to hear about it.

Anyway. The third thing you need to know about Chef Punchy is that the man gets hurt a lot. It’s the fate of a chef, of course, as well as the fate of a… well, whatever it is that he does. And credit where credit is due: he never complains. He takes all the hits, gets punched and kicked and beaten black and blue six ways to Sunday and he walks it off without a word. Which is great and also a bit worrying at times, but that’s (again) another story.

Now.

When Chef Punchy gets _sick,_ however.

Ho boy.

The words _living nightmare_ don’t even begin to describe the horror.

The bitch of the thing is that it starts so slowly and Chef Punchy is such a martyr-like bastard, we never catch on until it’s too late. Until the throat-clearing and nose-twitching turns into all-out coughing and a dripping mucus faucet that will not stop no matter how many pounds of Kleenex you plug his nostrils with. To give you an image, this has been our conversation over the past couple of days:

‘'Dammit Hardison, I'm _fi ne_. '

'Yeah, you keep saying that but the thermometer tells a different tale. Go. Back. To. Bed.'

‘Ooooh, I’ve never seen your face do that before!’ (That’s Parker, in case you couldn’t tell. She has used the time to compile a list of interesting colors Chef Punchy’s face goes through right before he throws up).

‘That’s… [insert death rattle here] Parker, that’s my normal face.’

‘Hm, babe, I’d say that’s a very distinctive color he’s got there. Let’s call that one ‘nearly almost dead because of stubborn asshole-it is’.

‘I’m not going back to bed, Hardison, I’m about to go make you some dinner. Now _move_ so I can get into my own goddamn kitchen _please._ ’

‘Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no _no._ You are a walking biohazard, you are _not_ going anywhere _near_ any food and _especially_ not, Mr. Mucus the Walking Microbe Factory, since you banned _me_ from the kitchen _last month_ for having a runny nose! No! Parker, get him!’

…

In the end, it turned out Chef Punchy was so weak that me and Parker could easily grapple him and carry him back to bed. Under protest, of course, but we’ve kind of learned to tune that out by now.

However. All of this of course means we have to feed _him,_ for a change. And of course since Chef Punchy is a stubborn asshole who pukes at the finest home-bought canned chicken noodle soup, we have resorted to actual cooking. _Without_ burning the place down, thank you very much. And after I’d got Parker to get rid of the habanero peppers to ‘spice it up’, even Chef Punchy agreed that it was not bad at all.

So please sit back, relax, take another dose of cough syrup and enjoy this idiot-proof recipe for tomato basil soup!

~~~

**What you’ll need:**

  * 1 onion
  * Cloves of garlic to taste (3 or 4 should do it, but it’s up to you)
  * 7 cups of diced tomatoes (for true idiot-proofness, get them canned. I know Chef Punchy can’t taste the difference anyway)
  * 1 big ol’ handful of basil
  * Salt, pepper to taste



**What you’re gonna do:**

Heat a dollop of oil in a pan. Cook the garlic and onion until the onion turns glassy and soft. Add the tomatoes and cook until things become a gooey mess.

Remove the pan from the heat. Add salt, pepper and basil to taste. Let things cool a little bit and pour everything in a blender. PUT THE LID ON THE BLENDER and press that button. Blitz until all chunks have gone and you’re DONE.

~~~

If you want, you can make it fancy with some mozzarella or other cheese, cream, a _dash(!)_ of chili or whatever else you like. Feed to your grumpy chef until he no longer looks and sounds like a living, breathing corpse.

Hope you liked this one! Stay healthy and I’ll see you next week!


End file.
